(never) good enough.

Sometimes, you're just not a good enough reason to make someone stay. And sometimes, you're just not a good enough reason to make them want to come back.


sometimes, you're just not good enough :'(

life on hold while i go and work.

I'm homeeeeee.....

After one week in school, I'm home again, which feels pretty darn good I tell you! After leaving school for so long, I never knew I'd hear my mum say those words again, "so, how was school?" but my answer.... it's pretty okay actually.

Yeah, in some ways, it was exactly like how I imagined it would be. Especially the kind of life I'd be living that's wrapped itself around school. Around work. Every day I go to school looking like a zombie panda bear in a head scarf. Most days I wake up at 7.30am, switch on my laptop and get straight to work. Then I iron my clothes, shower, get dressed, try cover up my zombie panda-ness, gather my lesson plans from the pile of mess on the floor, pray to God I don't forget anything, wait for my partner, and go to school. Then its relief, relief, class, relief, and home time. But we go buy dinner first, get a little lost finding our way back home, shower, dinner, and then its plop! back in front of the laptop planning tomorrows for lesson. Then I get tired and my brain just sort of shuts down and I'm in bed by 3.00am. The up again at 7.30 and it just starts all over again. my life on loop.

But I guess I'm still thankful for everything else. I've got the best school around here. The teachers are awfully nice and very helpful. One teacher, from one of the teachers whose class I'm taking over wont stop feeling sorry for me. Every time I see her, or bump into her, she'd say, "pity you..." or "kesian aaa." and then she'd tell me to relax. Neither one of the teachers whose classes I'm taking over even bother seeing my lesson plans before I teach. They say they trust me enough that I'll do a good job. The most they want it a less than 10 lines on the lesson to copy into their record books. I'm still pretty shy though and I'm finding it really tough to put myself out there and socialize with the other teachers. Though they're very nice and super friendly, I can't seem to follow much on what they're talking about. One time I was sitting in the canteen, they were talking about babies and breast pumps and whatnot and I was just sitting there, feeling like a lost puppy. But besides that, being socially awkward, I'm still very grateful to be here.

The students too are a reason why I like it here. They respect the teachers and I guess the only real problems I have are the noise level, and the difficulty in teaching students who have a hard time understanding English. Oh, I'm a little pissed that we only get one measly hour allocated for English per lesson. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME! I swear! There's no point in whizzing through lessons if in the end, the students don't learn anything. Plus, I definitely need more time with the low proficiency students.

I've been given two classes to handle. One Form 1 class, and one Form 2 class. Both my classes are the smart classes so the students are pretty well behaved. Most are just reluctant to speak and have low confidence in presenting in front of their classmates. It's still early though so I think they just need time. My Form one class is awfully cute. I see they enjoy the lessons but they are still pretty low in proficiency but I hope to do something about that. They're smart, polite and, listen to what I say though they may not always understand everything but I'm sure they'll get better.

Some of the classes I have relief-ed for are pretty okay too. Most times they enjoy playing hangman with me. One class begged me to teach them. The students I have relief-ed for  actually greet me, wave and say hi when they pass me in the hallways which makes me feel pretty glad that they don't hate me and still remember me even though I have just relief-ed them once only.

I think some of the funniest most memorable moments so far was when in one class, we played hangman and the class got 'hanged'. Turns out it was cz I spelt platipus. Adoiii... English teacher lah sangat! That was my first day on the job, first class too -_____-" Then there are those stairs heading to the Form 2 classes that I never fail to miss a step and nearly fall. OhGodno don't let me fall in school! The other day, this girl asked me after class, "cikgu, cikgu orang mana?" so I told her, "saya orang Shah Alam je.." and she was just like, Ohh.. so I asked, "Kenapa? saya ada rupa macam orang tempat mana-mana ke?" and she replied, "takdelah, ingatkan cikgu orang putih. Cikgu cakap macam org putih je." And I was just like "hahahahaha! taklah! saya melayu je" Haha! oh, one time  forgot my roll of mahjung paper and left it the teachers room in the canteen and had to run around frantically looking for it. That was stupid. Then there was this one time, it was in the first class too that this kid said to me, "cikgu, cikgu comel lah" and I was (suddenly) deaf and she had to repeat it like 3 times before I actually got what she was saying, and then for the more embarrassing part, I kinda laughed sheepishly, like a fool cz I was embarrassed. Oh maluunyaaa!~

Well, that's all I have for one week of back to school. Tomorrow is Sunday, but I have to start planning my lessons for next week if I don't want to be a zombie panda again. Life is going to get tougher, I know. I'll be making bigger messes than this so I'm trying to get as organized as I can right now so that if things do go wrong somewhere along the way, I'll have something to fall back on. So, till then guys! tata!

at the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

i have to go now. to go and grow up.

Ok I know I haven't been updating for quite a while but the truth is, I don't think I could ever find enough words to describe the past few weeks. Talking about it, would mean summing up the whole four years in that God forsaken place that- hard as it is to admit- I've grown a peculiar yet very much true and genuine fondness for.

I don't know where to start but I guess I've just been having the time of my life. Going out for movies, lamb chops, squishing in a car to go for seafood by the sea and awesome steamboat and grill, karaoke-ing my lungs out with the babes, teman-ing nana to find a house, teman-ing my partner to find his teacher shoes. got to try vegetarian food which surprisingly is delicious enough that I wouldn't mind committing the rest of my life to vegetables if I didn't have to sacrifice all my hair for it.

There have been a few downs too, lets not forget. The down do make up the memories too. There was that time when we went to pay our school a visit. Things went okay actually. The PK HEM was really nice to us. I liked it that he said he didn't like his teachers to be stressed out and all and prefered them to be relaxed, but then again he did say he was going to be exposing us to a load of new things, just so we could learn. That's good too I suppose. Thats what practicum is for anyways, to learn from experience, but I just got a little worried like I always do about these things. As soon as I got home, I called people, hoping someone had the right words to say to make me feel okay. 

And then there were the tired days where I was literally dragging my legs over the place doing this and that and getting things done with eyebags big enough to be my pillows under my eyes. It felt like everything was moving so fast and I was barely catching up. It was as if the world was pushing me to get up and move on and change and all that and all I wanted to do was to just lay in bed all day, lamenting the last few days I had left. I just wanted to spend quality time with my friends but practicum and tests and assignments and exams all got in the way.

This post was intended to be longer. Like I said, I have so much more left to say, just not enough time. Today is saturday. I've been busy all day making a mess sorting and packing my stuff for tomorrow, and that had to be interrupted with a few guests sleeping over so I had to clean up the mess. There was also a wedding Mum made me go to so I didn't get to go shop for the stuffs I'll be needing. Bleurgh. Tomorrow will be helluvaday. Getting stuff I need from Giant in the morning, then moving in in the afternoon. Then it'll be cleaning up in the evening and the tedious job of unpacking and rearranging everything so it'll get comfy enough to call home for the next few months. At night, its the mental preparation time. How will I ever feel ready enough to face 30 maybe 40 something pair of eyes belonging to kids waiting to shred me to pieces.

oh well, wish me luck. I'm gonna need tonnes and tonnes of it!

 my nerdy teacher shoes look very much like this but why don't they look nerdy here!!

at the end of the day you can either focus on whats tearing you apart or whats holding you together.

cz i can't make you love me if you don't.

and i will give up this fight.

you are.

You are the trips i did not take
You are the shoes i could not buy
You are the pies i did not bake
You are my magnificent blue sky

You are the books i did not write
You are the holes i could not mend
You are the song my heart just cries
You are the letters i did not send

You are the pictures i did not take
You are the goodbyes i did not wave
You are the promises i break
You are the sorry i could not say

You are the moon that ceases to glow
when i want you late at night
and i just wanted you to know
that i still love you, if that’s alright. 

if we ever meet again.

 

kiss me all night don't ever let me go.

there is never enough time. we need more time.

Last Friday we had our practicum course but honestly, I'm not prepared at all. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that originally, the plan was that it was supposed to last for four gruesome days, only, it just lasted a day. Hence, what I was able to learn (minus the parts I dozed off) was very very minimal.

Yesterday, we went for breakfast at McDonnalds which was really nice since we left really early so when we got there it was still cool and there was barely anybody there. I had my usual Sausage and Egg McMuffin and he had Filet O' Fish. By the time were done, it was still early so we decided to go watch a movie at OU. When we got there we booked a ticket and burned off some time walking around goofing off with the kids toys before the movie started. The movie, Hells' gate, was serious lame. I could hardly pay any attention to it.

After the movie, he said he needed to find some shirts (baju cikgu) for practicum. Honestly I didn't know it could be so hard looking for mens clothes. I mean, we were looking for something that was formal, through not too flashy or expensive. Not baju jalan. He liked stripes but we remember our male school teachers wearing plain most of the times. Some stripes were too large, some were too small and made you dizzy if you looked at them too long. The ones with boxes looked kind of queer but the small boxes were okay a little. And then there was the issue of colours. He went for darker tones while I liked seeing him in softer ones like white. When I told him about a theory I heard about men wearing purple being gay, everywhere we looked it was, gay, gay, dark gay, light gay, gay gay, and even more gay. And then, looking at price tags, even after discounts the numbers seemed absurd.

While scouting around each store only did we realize how many other things we needed to buy really. There were bags & shoes (for us both), ties & trousers (for him), baju kurung & tudung (for me). He had basic household appliances to buy for a house he hasn't even found yet, and we both will need to buy stationary for our AVA's, books for revision, and a trusty organizer to plan and organize our next few hectic months.

There were things to plan like how we would be going to school- If the other teachers wouldn't kick up a fuss about us driving to school together. I had to learn may way around Klang, and the route back home to Bkt. Jelutong and to campus for term paper consultation. We had to familiarize ourselves with the area, the traffic in the mornings, which shop would have the best photocopying services, cheapest places to eat and where we could go to buy our school supplies.

All that in less than a month, minus days with classes, term paper consultaions, assignments, tests, and finals, we've only got roughly a week. It's a depressing thought I have chosen to avoid for some time thinking, never mind, we'll find some time... but when there's barely one week left when you minus off those hectic days, I'm really starting to get restless. I have NO idea where to start.

Ever since foundation, I have been so eager to go to school and teach for real. I've always felt like I was made to teach. pfft. yeah right! I was so eager and I had so much passion back then. Somewhere along the four years I've been here, that got killed off, slowly. Now, I think I'm just not ready yet. How can anybody be ready yet? I know it's time for me to toughen up and grow up. Life is not always going to be rainbows and butterflies for me. I'm not always going to have my friends with me, though I wish they were. Its so strange how life works, you want something and you wait and wait and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and its all over and all you want to do is just curl back up in that moment before things changed.

So anyway, we finally ended up in Padini which was having a sale and managed to grab 2 striped shirts for around RM100++. One grey and one light blue. I think he looks very handsome in them :)

After that, we walked around a while just looking at some kasut cikgu for me. It's really tough finding black pumps that won't hurt your feet, and don't look too nerdy or to stripper-ey (if there is such a word). I did find a few, but I don't think I was really in the mood to try anything on just yet at that time. I was kind of feeling annoyed at the fact that I had so many other things to buy and get done for practicum and we just didin't have enough time.

We decided to just go for lunch at Charms after that. I love charms. I love their Lamb Charmer which comes flaming at your table on a little bed of coal and you have to turn it to make sure it doesn't burn. It comes with a portion of yummy garlic rice too. Our meal was just divine. Omg I just love lamb! After lunch we walked round some more looking for Silver Wrapping paper that Ede ordered, Fossil because I wanted to have a look at their bags (but we never found the store), and Sticky Candy. I bought a bottle of Watermelon which tasted delish and looked awfully cute! We bought  box of Tako Tao and a cup of peppermint flavoured bubble tea and headed off home.

We were out from 7.30am to 7.30pm. Exactly12 hours. That's half an entire day. Thank you for taking me out, for spending time with me and not being tired off me, I had so much fun:D I hope the next three months goes well for us both. I hope it goes well for my other friends too. I love you guys to death and hope this isn't the end for us, just a new (better) beginning :)

If only we’d live for the moment, If only we learn how to change..

delete. delete. delete.

It's been a while now. I've been keeping things in drafts, collecting dust. I feel as if I have so much to say, yet, I say them all in my head. I can't seem to put them down in words.

I feel as if I'm getting tired of my old self. I want to change, but I don't know where to start, I don't know how to.

I think I'll start with feelings, step-by-step, and we'll go on from there.

I think it's time to leave those feeling behind. The ones created from over thinking, overfeeling. Maybe if something looks the way it does, maybe, that's just the way it is. I don't need to study it, analyze it, and assume anything. Maybe, that's all there is to it, and there isn't anymore.

And if that's the case, then, that's really really sad. Oh great.


goodbye.

it's a hard knock life, for me.

Today I sent my proposal. Dropped it off at her door pocket. Fingers crossed .

Class was quite dull today. Ede wasn't there cz she had to go balik kampung with her sister that morning and Ika came late so when Mr. Saddas told us to get into our groups and start formulating our interview questions, I was practically alone. But I made a new friend today, her name is Wani. She didn't have a group so she asked if she could join ours. She seems really nice. Shes repeating this subject and taking her Term Paper again. I think she's from Ayie's batch.

After class, I went to teman Kak Shida send in her proposal but since Alya was sending in hers too, they went together and I stayed in the car with Puteri (Alya's sister remember). We got bored so we started fooling around. We started a tickle fight and played with Kak Shidas' stuffed ladybugs in the car. And when we made the ladybugs have tickle fights, I didn't notice they had come back. When they got in the car, Alya said, "macam ni awak kata matang?" and she and Kak Shida started laughing. Kak Shida said, when she went to drop off her proposal, Madam was in so she just handed it in to her. They had a little chat and Madam said she specifically requested us to our HOP because she wanted 'matang' students, not 'budak-budak.' Ok, that makes me feel reaaaaaaly old okay. But errr, the ladybug tickling scene just now, kinda justifies how un-matang I really am. Oh dear.

And so, with sending in my proposal, I think the hectic life of unihell has oficially started. Term paper, sssignments, tests, presentations, 5-day practicum briefing, and finally the finals. Then its time to get prepped for practicum. Oh boy. I do not do very well under pressure. I do not do very well at all. But I think I'm gonna give a shot at staying positive for a change. Being all scared and feeling unprepared won't help me get through this. Sure I'll come out with a few cuts and grazes, but staying positive will make them hurt less. So, every time somethings seems be going sucky for me, I'll just say to myself:

in all things, it is better to hope than to despair.

you stepped in when others stepped out. thank you :)

When I opened the document I screamed the first time because it was the supervisor list for term paper. As Me and Ede scrolled down and frantically searched for our names I could feel my heart beating real hard against my chest. I couldn't find my name. Maybe I was searching too fast. So I went back up and looked carefully again but Ede's eyes were sharper than mine. She gave out a gasp as said, "OMG Syaf you got Madam!" and with that, I let out a big NOOOOOO!! I wanted to get up and leap out the window.

I have always been terrified of her. I respect her and truth be told, she is one of the best lecturers I have ever gotten before. If I admire my Teaching Writing lecturer for his fiery passion for teaching, then I admire her for her over the top organization skills. She is also one of the very few lecturers I actually genuinely pay attention to in class because I actually understand what she is teaching. But being well known for her sarcasm and unpredictable mood swings, I am also terrified of her, almost as much as I am respectful of her.

I just couldn't sit still after that. I felt like a nervous wreck. Sort of half delusional hoping they got me wrong of something. I double checked my surname to make sure it was me and then proceeded with telling everyone with how doomed I felt I was. The sad thing was that nothing anyone said was making me feel any better. Some tried really hard and thank you for trying guys, but I could tell, each and every one of them knew exactly how doomed I really was. I think for my friends who knew me more, and for those who knew the lecturer too, knew just how uptight I can be when it comes to assignments and stuff, and they're probably expecting one of my usual nervous break downs any time soon I suppose.

But after a while, I found that talking to people who didn't know the lecturer actually made me feel much better. They'd say stuff like they knew lecturers like the one I described and they all turn out good and stuff. And so I soaked up their words like a sponge. I needed to, else I was going to shrivel up and die in my own skin.

After dinner, I had felt a little bit better. I kinda figured I was gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. I had to grow up. In life, you don't always get what you want. Just the other day I was talking with my friends how I didn't care who my supervisor was as long as it wasn't her. Yesterday, God gave me her to test me, and also to teach me that sometimes in life, you get what you don't want most. I think he wanted me to learn, so thank you Allah.

I am trying very hard to accept it, and embrace it as a challenge, if not another wise lesson in life. I know how I usually break under pressure. How cranky I get when things don't go as planned. How I can be a teary mess when I screw up, destroying my own spirit with a jagged knife. Maybe I will finally learn to be patient, and maybe this will teach me to be more calm and collected when all hell breaks lose. Maybe, I will come up with a more meticulous proposal and put in the extra 10% effort and do real good. Maybe. But I'll try. I will not feed my fears. I will not let them win. Not this time.

So, thank you to those who have tried to make me feel better. You guys are the best. I don't blame anyone who didn't know what to say, or said all the wrong words. It's okay. You tried and that's what makes you all my loveliesss~ Besides, if I were you guys, I don't think I'd know what to say to myself either. And well, I know me. I'm a pretty insecure person always needing reassurance that everything will be okay. It's ridiculous and annoying I know! But thanks. And special thanks to those who have promised to be there every step of the way, whether if it's helping with my term paper first hand, or just being at the other end of the line ready to pick me up when I screw up and fall and pat me on the back when I'm down.

 

Sometimes you need someone, but that someone can't/ won't be there for you, and suddenly out of no where, someone else steps in willingly. Don't fret or sigh. Thank God for showing you who cared.

When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside

I’ve always thought of love to be something like the human appendix: a total nuisance. It’s like, when you have it, you don’t even notice it’s there. Until one day you feel this nagging pain at the side of your stomach. You pretend it’s nothing, and ignore the pain for some time until one day you can ignore it no more; it has ruptured. The pain is so intense that you could virtually pass out from it. Finally, you have no choice but to get rid of it and in the end, it leaves you bedridden, unable to move for days with a nasty scar and an empty hole inside.

Love, is not a choice. It’s just a mean trick played on us humans to repopulate the earth to ensure that mankind does not become extinct. Ironic how lately people have been coming to me requesting for advice on love and they say things like, "Help! I don't know what to do!" and "what do you think I should do when...." and when I have given them my 2cents worth, "thank you, you give really good advice!" and "you really do understand!" when my own love life feels like a tragedy. I admit I feel good when what I say actually works and makes them feel good too, but I feel unworthy of giving such advice that I almost feel like a fake swaami on the internet telling faux fortunes to innocent victims paying $30 per month. I am a train wreck inside. And the threat of him leaving has deduced to him telling me to leave him instead. How can what I say possibly make anyone better when my own heart is an ugly mess.

Thing I'd do for you #21. Let you go (when you want me to). I know I promised. But my feet are stuck and I can’t move. It feels like they’re glued to the ground by past words of you. Even if i turn my body away, my heart wont leave. You can leave if you want to but I can’t. Even though sometimes I want to try to. I just can’t. I’m not giving up no matter how hopeless it all seems. I’ll try and try and keep trying until I can’t try no more. When you come across a bump in the road, you don’t run away from it. The guilt of not trying will follow you around for the rest of your life hanging like the dark cloud it is. If it doesn’t work out in the end, then  never mind. At least I won’t have to dwell upon the one that got away, imagining what could have been if I had tried just a little harder, if I had loved just a little longer.

You know, life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in most unlikely places. In the giggles of little children, in the lines of a song, and in the eyes of that someone you love. And if you’re lucky, if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love eventually decides to love you back. And if they don’t (after you have tried all you could) then you’ll know that it was not meant to be and you can wait for the one God has planned for you. The one you haven’t met yet. Or the one who is already there but you never really realized it. But the one you’ve been trying so hard on, he wasn’t a waste. Every scar burned is a lesson learned. And just because a love can’t last doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, that it didn’t change you. For the better or for worse. You can’t go back, you won’t stay the same but I promise that one day, you won’t even want to. It’ll all fall beautifully in place somehow. I look forward to that.

So for now, in my weakest moments, I weep. In the quiet of the night when everyone is asleep, when I’m watching a movie on my laptop and no one can see a drop or two would fall. Some days, I just can’t help but rush back home, just so I could cry into my pillow. And on a day like today, how sad I thought, how sad it was to have to cry about a boy on such a beautiful Monday afternoon. I guess I just wanted to mean something to someone, you know? I just wanted to know that one person on this earth would miss me if I weren’t next to them. Sometimes I just want to ask you, who am I to you? where do I fit inside the soft walls of your heart? Have you some small space for me at all? Sometimes, I just want to tell you (even if you never asked me) that no, I’m not okay. But that’s not what you want to hear. You don’t want to hear anything.

You know, you don’t need a scale to measure how much someone loves you. Sometimes you can just feel it in your heart. And sometimes, that’s enough to know. By now I thought I’d be used to things like this. I mean for two years, I’ve been patiently waiting to be fallen in love with, and for two years, I've been constantly pushed out of the heart and warned to stay away. I guess it’s the tragedy of loving. You're not always loved back. So you know what I mean when I say that I don’t think anyone who falls in love has a choice. You’re just pulled to that person like an invisible magnet, whether it’s good for you or bound to break your heart.

Keep moving, keep trying—that my motto. Don’t dwell on things. Don’t stay in one place too long. That was probably the only way to stay ahead of the sadness.

so don't walk away from me. please, don't walk away from me.