an uncertain beginning and a heartbreaking end.

I don't know how to fathom my feelings into words and I don't know how to make you understand. But I'll try, because this is something I have to do. I have to tell you, and you need to know. You need to know. So maybe one day, if you ever come round here again, I hope and you'll stumble upon this. And when you do, maybe you'll click x, maybe you'll scroll through, maybe you'll read, and understand that I wrote this for you, and only you.

Okay.. deep breaths, here goes...

Have you ever read something that killed you inside? Like a text message or someone's status. Everything was going fine until you accidentally came across something you were better off not knowing. It hurts. To be exact, it feels like your heart has been blown to a million pieces but you keep reading it over and over again. It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day doesn't it?

Well, there have always been occasions like these, where someone tells me something I wasn't supposed to know and lately, it's been happening a lot more than usual. Remember when you called that night? Remember when I said, "Oh"? Remember when you asked why I said, "Oh"? I was disappointed, that's why. I was hoping that maybe you called to tell me the truth yourself. The real truth. But I understand that its a difficult balance- telling the truth: how much to share, how much to keep, which truth will wound but not ruin, which will cut too deep to heal. Maybe, the reason you decided to keep certain things from certain people was because you didn't want anybody to get hurt. Well, love, now everybody is hurt. The secrets I've found out over the period of the past few days have been too much to bear. There were just too many of them; so un-organised, unsynchronised. It was like ache upon ache piling itself upon me, crushing my soul. Such an ugly mess. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped under the weight of it all and it's left me crying on the floor. You have to understand how such small pieces of information could mean so much to me. When pieced together, they meant so so much to me.

I cried the hardest that night you know. But not because it means you're leaving, but because it means I have to.

I've spent so much time hoping that you'd love me back some day. The potential to be something more than what we were had always kept me going, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I can see all the beautiful things we could be, but you don't see any of that when you look at me. And I thought I could wait forever for you to come around, but I guess that I'm not that strong after all. Do I still love you? Of course. More than you know. More than I thought was possible, but this will be the last time. After this, I do not love you anymore because it's time to leave those feelings behind. I can't keep hoping that one fine morning, you'll wake up and finally realize how much I cared. So I'm leaving, in an attempt to find the love I once truly believed in, the one I think I deserve so that someday, my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful.

* * *

This next part is for you, the girlfriend. If you really have been following my blog since November last year, then there is no doubt you would be reading this, so I want you to know that what I told you, were half truths, and a whole lie. Yes, we were classmates, and no, we were not just classmates. I also do not have a boyfriend. I only said so because I didn't know what to say. I only wanted to say what I thought you wanted to hear. I am sorry. I am sorry that I only became aware of who you really are a few days ago. I was still trying to process everything and I didn't know what to say to you. I want you to know that I feel horrible for the damage I have caused. But I also want you to know that I am not a horrible person.

What I can tell you is that the last day I saw him, I asked him if his feelings for me have decreased or were still the same. He replied, "they're still the same, but it doesn't make a difference if it's nothing." So, there. You have so many questions that deserve answers, but I just can't give them to you. I know it hurts and I know this is not the answer you've been looking for, but I hope it makes up for the damage, though truth be told, broken hearts can never really be fixed. I can't fix you. But five years is an awfully long time. Do whatever you can to make it work.

* * *.

So, this is all I have left to say to you. I have nothing left. There is nothing left. I have given you up, and I am letting you go. We've had our fun. I loved every second I spent with you but now it's time to set you free. I hope you know I am sorry I ever hurt your relationship with her. I didn't know. I didn't know. I wish you well, take good care. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. So now I am leaving.

It's an awful shame that this is how our story ends. Such a tragedy, but this is how its meant to be. This is it, the heartbreaking end. Goodbye.

Someone's got to go, so I'm already gone.