how to love.

 

never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out; 

how to love

today was a fairytale ♥

It started out as a joke. It was supposed to be a movie and a meal at Secret Recipe. That's it. but we ended up getting a car for half a day so what the hell, we went nuts! haha...

1. Movie at One Plaza

We started of with a movie. Fright Night. It was fairly good actually. Even though I'm not a big fan of remakes (but that's just cz original is always best) but I enjoyed the movie. It was about how this boy discovers that a vampire is living next door, and in the end sets out to hunt him down so he could turn his girlfriend (who got bitten by the vampire) into a real live human again.
(I needed to pee no. 1)

2. Grocery shopping at Tesco on a No Plastic Bag day! Oh no!
After the movie, we were supposed to go watch another movie but nothing seemed good (there wasn't much choice and the seating wasn't good) so we ended up going to Tesco instead. He wanted to get toothpaste, so we went in without a basket, but came out with two packets of Lays Salt & Vinegar (I'm addicted okay!), a packet of instant noodles, a bottle of shampoo, and the tube of toothpaste.-_-"
(I needed to pee no. 2)

3. Pantai Remis
Then, we wanted to have dinner at this awesome Seafood place at Pantai Remis but didn't know the name of the restaurant so we followed my Garmin all the way to the Pantai Remis Food Court which was right by the beach. When we got there, the sun set was beautiful.  And even though it wasn't the place we were looking for, I didn't mind being lost. I didn't mind  it one bit!  Breathing in the sun and the sea with him holding my hand made me feel like I've been found. He then called his friend and we got the name of the actual place and Garmin-ed over there (I still can't believe it actually works!).

4. A HUGE seafood dinner at Aroma Ikan Bakar, by the beach

We had a humongous dinner at Aroma Ikan Bakar. Just for two, we picked out 3 crabs, a whole calamari squid, kailan ikan masin and two plates piled with rice. I was worried he'd puff up like Mrs. Puff from the seafood cz he was allergic but he said he had bought along his medicine just to prevent that from happening. I was full to the brim and very very happy. Dinner by the beach was nice, nicer because if the supper yummeh food, and nicest because he was there with me :)

5. Kampung Kuantan, Firefly Park

The next stop was probably the highlight of the whole day. We went to Kampung Kuantan Firefly Park. We got there at around just the right time. We had to take a boat (sampan) in the crocodile infested waters  where we got to get right up close to the fireflies living in the mangrove trees. Its kinda like being in iCity, like seeing gazillions of beautiful fairy lights wrapped around the trees like on Christmas but actually they looked more like real fairies to me, especially the ones that were flying around like teeny little fireballs. It felt like I was looking at the Faraway Tree in the Enchanted Forest from one of Enid Blytons books. It was so magical it was almost bewitching. I used to imagine a place like that existed. I think it does now:)

6. KFC Ijok
We went to Ijok to get my babes some KFC. Thank you him for being willing to drive up there so I could tapau stuff for my friends, and for temaning me go to the creepy toilet right at the top of the stairs in there. yikes! I'm so sorry I needed to pee all the time -_-"


7. Alif Firdaus
Our last stop was the kedai mamak. It was still too early to go back so we went to Alif Firdaus, bought drinks and munched on Cheezy Wedges and jelly ice-cream while watching football. Kinda like desert to the whole day. A nice quiet ending to the sum up the amazing day.

Thank you Garmin, and thank you You. These 7 places I went with you, this one whole day I spent with you, driving round, getting lost, has made me the happiest girl alive. Thank you for being the one to bring me on my first visit to the Firefly Park even though I've been stuck here for a long time already (far too long to not go there before). It was awfully romantic, though the thought that we are on a little boat surrounded by crocodile infested waters did make it a little creepy. Hehe... but it was worth every minute! My only regret is that I didn't bring any of my cameras with me. I only had my phone. But at least I got to steal this one of you!

 ♥

I could go anywhere with you and I'd be happy :)

that little piece of hope we all hold on to.

Getting over today made me feel like I've gotten over two massive hurdles. It feels like weights have been lifted off my shoulders and maybe, just maybe, things are starting to get better? I dunno. I mean, we still have our course design lesson plan to draft out and eventually present for micro-teaching, and I still have my term paper to get budging again, oh, and not forgetting my Educational Psychology proposal topic to DECIDE ON. Yeah, but still the biggest worries have been over. By this I really just mean our Writing  report and micro-teaching and our course design. But passing the THREE Lesson Plan presentations for Testing & Evaluation this morning and getting a not-that-good-but-average for our Writing micro-teaching later in the afternoon is a humongous relief that all I wanted to do after class was over is get back home and soak in the victory of getting out alive.

The Jamuan Hari Raya for our faculty is tonight. We'll, it's taking place right now actually but I'm not being anti-social or anything for not going. I know it's probably the last time we can celebrate hari raya together as a class but I just don't feel like it. Plus, I don't have anything to wear. I didn't bring any of my raya clothes (like I had any nice enough ones to bring pun). It would be a horrible feeling to feel invisible in a sea of beautiful people.

I don't feel so much like crying anymore. I mean, I know I'm a horribly high-strung person at times, especially when it comes to work and I hate feeling like such a perfectionist. It's exhausting and annoying. Probably annoying too for my friends, and I feel pretty phucked up about it sometimes. But I don't know how not to be. And I'm sorry. And most times when I complain to people about being so stressed out about all the work we have to get done and such, most people don't really want to care, they're just lazy to layan me, or they don't know what to say. But the one person who knew exactly what to say to me at times like these is far far away having the time of his life. But I can imagine what he'd say. He'd tell me, "Syaf, don't worry, you'll do fine. You always do" and after that, I'd feel like things are not so bad after all :)

I'm sorry I've run for so long. I'm sorry I still haven't stopped.

just keep swimming. just keep swimming.

I thought we'd have it all done and over with by last week, but boy who was I kidding. Stuff like this never ends. It only gets worse. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of assignments. weeks after weeks lecturers throw us tasks we hardly have time thinking about doing before we get thrown another. Its like trying to dig a hole, only to have someone fill it with sand again and he's filling it from behind you. Or no, wait, you're in that 6ft' hole, and he's filling it with sand. And you're suffocating.

I'm just so tired I can barely function. I've been working myself dry until I fall asleep with books on my face surrounded by piles of notes and wake up with pen marks all over my body. Ika says she sees me giving 180%  but then why the hell doesn't it feel enough! Why have I been stuck unable to budge since Friday? Why do I feel like I just wanna crawl under my bed and rot there in the dark than have to face life every single day.

I've got so much going on in my mind until my forehead scrunches and my brain huts that I have no time to attend to matters of the heart. I've got so much I want to feel but I have to hold it all back.Our conversation wasn't over, our hearts they never stopped. We separated without a solution and the problem just hangs above us  like a dark cloud desperate to burst with rain. But I try hard to keep the cloud at bay, buy us time for I feel as if our love is on a time limit. Like one day, when the timer rings, like a puffed up souffle right out of the oven, the cloud will burst, and we would both get wet. 

I had decided that I wouldn't let it bother me anymore though, because the world had bigger problems than my little dissapointed heart. But I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop thinking about you. Because no matter what I do, my mind always bring me back to you.

 

last night, I learned to breathe.

 Assignments have been catching up with us pretty quickly. The other day Bella went to class with swollen eyes. When I asked her what the matter was, she said she had been crying the night before because she was so stressed about all the work that needed to be done, but there was just no heart in getting it done. I guess everybody is getting burned by the heat right now. It sucks.

When Ayie came that day and invited me to go play bowling with him and his friends, I was very very very tempted. I badly needed to get away from this place for a while and have fun. I was tired of the place and I was just tired about being tired about it. But I was sick, and we had a test the next morning. So if I went, I'd probably be too tired to study when I came back and I can probably kiss maintaining my 3.50 right where it is goodbye.

The next morning, I already had my stuff packed and ready to bring to class so we could go straight home right after, but Ayie called me that morning saying he was going to go see his girlfriend in Damansara later that day so he could drop me off home if I wanted. I just couldn't decline the offer.

After lunch, he called saying that he and his friends were planning to watch a movie, and then he would send me home after. I was worried I'd be sniffling through the movie and people would think I was crying to an action movie (we were supposed to be watching Conan) but I would be troubling him if he had to come back and pick me up so I tagged along anyways.

I had a wonderful time though.We ended up not watching Conan instead cz the tickets were too late so we went to karaoke, which I think was way more fun that watching a movie. His friends were really nice to me too and didn't mind me being there at all. Izzah had an amazing voice and Kesum wouldn't stop it with his gay moves-_-"

My plan was to just sit quietly in the corner like a well behaved little rabbit and watch everyone else sing their hearts out but the first song itself got me singing along. Fuck You. Who could resist? I needed to sing my heart out too. I had fun. Even though I have officially lost my voice this morning, it was well worth it.

Thanks Ayie, I needed  this :D

and this is how a heart breaks.

 Things like this hit me pretty slow. But that doesn't make the blow any less painful. It hurts just the same, trust me.

I had a pretty crummy day yesterday. Class sucked and assignements were piling up pretty fast. There were people who were pissing me off and I accidentally got my heart broken. I was getting nervous too... Abahs chemo session is starting today. I'm worried sick. Talking about sick,  the cherry on top of all this shyt is that I'm coming down with a fever; I have a runny nose and super sore throat. My head is throbbing so hard that I can't even be bothered to cry because it would just make it worse.

Last night I told Vinn I was to busy to cry. It was true. But I also didn't cry because I was just thinking and thingking and thinking. Trying to make sense of things. Trying not to make a big deal of the pain. I succeded for a while but then that was because I was busy. When it was time to sleep, my mind started running again that I swear it made a buzzing noise so loud it made me want to scream. But I still didn't cry. A few drops of tears fell down but I wiped them off and continued to think, till I fell asleep thinking too hard.

The tears, they came in spells, like when I was ironing my baju kurung for today's class, or when I was in the shower this morning, or washing my bowl in the kitchen, my mind would wander off for a bit. I'd suddenly recall things that made me whisper to myself, "oh.. pattut la time tu..", or.. "no wonder it was always like this... or that..." and I'd feel a little hurt and I'd wince at the pain and a drop or two of tears would fall again but I'd pull myself together and quickly wipe em off. Then I'd scold myself for thinking bad thoughts. I still wasn't crying but I had started feeling like I wanted to, and needed to. Someone told me that if I felt like I needed to cry, I really just should. It would make me feel better and it's better than holding it all in. and I know talking about it should probably help but the thing is, I've never really been good with feelings, or rather with expressing them to people. This is why I keep a blog. Because I feel like maybe, talking about things really makes them fall apart. That's why I rather deal with stuff alone.

But just now, when I was lying on my bed feeling misserable because Ede told me to take her pills and sleep before I start with work but I just managed to lay on the bed like a vegetable thinking about work. Then I complained to her that we don't have enough time what with the tests and all, and we were starting to get all worked up and emo... I started crying. So I got up and decided to walk around outside for a while but before I could walk out the front door Vinn saw me and called to go to her room. I entered trying to make myself look normal but Ika stopped me and asked what the matter was. Bad question. Tears just started pouring out like mad I ran to Vinns bed and started crying. It was really embarassing cz now Ede and Ika and Vinn were all there. I told them to ignore me and just to go on with what they were doing. I wasn't supposed to let them see me crying like this. Ika kept on interrogating me asking what happened. I said nothing. Because nothing did happen. Then I told them, I think it's hitting me. This is it. And boy did it hurt. But I told them to not ask and ignore me. They finally got the message and started being all silly and got me laughing like mad through the tears.

You see, the bunch of friends I have, they make me crazy, they keep me sane. I know I'll be alright after heartbreaks, I always am. It just takes a really (really) long time sometimes, with lots of tea, good books, and a bunch of silly friends. In this case, this bunch of silly friends. They're my friends. They make me happy:) I'm feeling better now, though I'm still not O.K, but I will be. There may be more crying spells to come, more heartbreaks, more heartaches, more insomniac nights and blog posts about pain, more feeling too much and thinking too hard but I'll be okay.

 Got my friends, got the night, I'll be alright:)

he's just not that into you.

Vinn: tadi Ika tanya Vinn, "Syaf menangis ke?"
Me: belum lagi. takda masa nak menangis. banyak sangat kerja nak buat.

the risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at maths.

and for the tiniest moment, I pretend it's all not true.

Last night, was the first night we actually went to beraya at somebody else's house. Our car is still broken you see, so we can't really go far since riding the RF or MyV would be quite a squeeze. I don’t really mind anyway, my mind is far too busy to want to feel happy much. So anyway, Aunty Wardah had invited us to go over for an open house at her place (which is like two blocks away from our house). As I was ironing my clothes in Mum and Abahs room with my earphones on, I heard Mum and Abah talking. I wasn’t really eves droppingz cz it wansn’t really private and I wasn’t really much paying attention anyways, but I heard parts of their conversation. I heard Abah say “tak pe lah, I malu... orang tengok...” and then I heard Mum say, "alah, tak pe lah, takda siapa kesah... diaorg faham.." and then I heard Mum call Ina and ask if his stitches could be taken off yet. And all at once I understood what it was all about.

It made me really sad to think that Abah was actually embarassed. He shouldn’t have to be. He should be proud. The marks he bears should be worn proud like battle scars, representing all the battles he’s won, and the ones he’s winning. And besides, we’d punch anyone who stared. He knows we would. But still, Abah didn’t go...

Somedays, scenes like this are really hard to bear. Remember when I told you about Abahs eye going droopy because they had cut a nerve in his neck which ruint his muscles near his eye. Remember when I told you how Abah kept asking us if his eye was still droopy? If it was so obvious and if it looked less obvious when he put on his glasses? Well, his eye never got better.

On the second last day of puasa, when we went for supper after terawih, I was telling Abah about the printer being out of ink. As he was telling me about buying some more when we go out the next day, well, that was the first time since I got back that I ever had a real good look at his face. When Abah talked, his mouth looked different. It was slanted someway I don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t need to ask Mum was the matter was this time, I guess another nerve got ruint during the recent operation... I bit my lips hard trying not to break into tears.

Some nights, I find it really hard to stop crying. In the mornings I’m all red and puffy and when I look in the morror, an empty, ugly shell is staring back.

Mum said Abah is going to start his chemo sessions this month. You never know how nasty chemo is until you see it for yourself. You may think you do, but you don't. You just don't. I know it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. I know that. But I don't want it to get worse! What on earth could be worse than this? What?... I hope Abah stays strong. I hope Mum stays strong for Abah. And I hope we all stay strong for Mum.

The day before raya, as we were all in the midst of chaos preparing the house for raya, walking about cooking, cleaning... I caught Abah sitting on the couch, TV on, remote in his hand but I could see his mind some place else. Eyes staring far into the distance... It breaks my heart to see him like that. How can I possible stay strong when I have to watch someone I love wither away like that? How can I not cry silently in the dark every night when all I can think about is the pain he's going through. The pain Mum is going through, and the pain we're going through as a family. We're not ready to let him go just yet. We still need him.

I still need him :’(


you hurt until it's madness in my head.

farewell august.

It's 3:26 AM and I love you.
In two years I am going to love you.
5 months ago I loved you.
5 years, 2 days and 6 minutes, I will love you.
When I am 70 years old, sitting in a room surrounded by grand-kids, I will love you.

I just hope you are there for all the times I will love you.

Raya 1, 2, 3

DAY 1
Started out pretty crummy. I got my slippers stolen when I went to sembahyang raya at Masjid Shah Alam. I wasn't that pissed, though just a little annoyed cz the reason I wore those slippers were cz I was scared if I wore my raya shoes, someone would nick em. Turns out, the theory doesn't really work. I got my plain ol' slippers stolen anyway. Damnit. I just wish that someone who took my slippers had left their pair behind so I didn't have to walk barefooted to the car. Masjid Shah Alam is huge mind you. We had to park our car outside and a long way off from the Masjid cz since the Sultan went there to pray too that morning, there were tonnes of people there and it was like taking a loooonnng walk of shame back to the car.

When we got home, we waited for everybody to arrive. Then only did raya really start :D After that, we all jumped in the car.. The plan was go to Melaka, spend 3 days there then come back here, only, not even half way out of Shah Alam, the car broke down. Don't ask me what went wrong, because I'm a loser in the anatomy of cars department but I think something like the fan belt of something something snapped. Yeah. That was it I think. I think..

Anyway, came back here and spent the rest of the first day with nenek and Ami Omar and his family. Not much of a problem :)

selamat hari raya nenek, I love you.

DAY 2
Woke up really early to help Mum make nasi tamato by the mass. 100 people scheduled to be arriving around mid-day. Nope, no exaggeration there. Yes, 100 is a lot, but that's Abah's side for ya, and it gets bigger every year too. By the time the guests had started arriving, I was already half dead. But it was like family day, part II :) There were so many people to catch up with about so many things, so many kids to play with and so many babies to babysit -_-" But I think the highlight of the day was when we celebrated 6 birthdays. Yeap, there were 6 people whose birthday ranged between day 1 - day 10 of raya. Awesome no?

The raya-birthday-merdeka babies ;)

DAY 3
Went down for a (what was supposed to be) quiet breakfast. Just poured my tea, filled my bowl with Mum's mee goreng when... ting tong! I grabbed my bowl and dashed upstairs! It was Mr. Loo (our neighbour) and his family. They had come to beraya at our house. Of course I got called down again to help set the table and serve our guests. Not long after that, there was another ting tong and another family arrives. I'm guessing its gonna be another long day.. sigh.

Anyways, I'm back upstairs, in hiding. I need to get my work done before the break is up.  I have just finished my 'Statement of Problem', and now am working on the 'Significance of the Study'. Only 'Scope of study' left to do and then I'll be over and done with that- for now, and I can start moving on to my next assignment!  Arghhh! timeee! I'm panicking but then theres something inside me that just wont budge (which explains the blogging).

Hey, it's still Raya lah!