and this is how a heart breaks.

 Things like this hit me pretty slow. But that doesn't make the blow any less painful. It hurts just the same, trust me.

I had a pretty crummy day yesterday. Class sucked and assignements were piling up pretty fast. There were people who were pissing me off and I accidentally got my heart broken. I was getting nervous too... Abahs chemo session is starting today. I'm worried sick. Talking about sick,  the cherry on top of all this shyt is that I'm coming down with a fever; I have a runny nose and super sore throat. My head is throbbing so hard that I can't even be bothered to cry because it would just make it worse.

Last night I told Vinn I was to busy to cry. It was true. But I also didn't cry because I was just thinking and thingking and thinking. Trying to make sense of things. Trying not to make a big deal of the pain. I succeded for a while but then that was because I was busy. When it was time to sleep, my mind started running again that I swear it made a buzzing noise so loud it made me want to scream. But I still didn't cry. A few drops of tears fell down but I wiped them off and continued to think, till I fell asleep thinking too hard.

The tears, they came in spells, like when I was ironing my baju kurung for today's class, or when I was in the shower this morning, or washing my bowl in the kitchen, my mind would wander off for a bit. I'd suddenly recall things that made me whisper to myself, "oh.. pattut la time tu..", or.. "no wonder it was always like this... or that..." and I'd feel a little hurt and I'd wince at the pain and a drop or two of tears would fall again but I'd pull myself together and quickly wipe em off. Then I'd scold myself for thinking bad thoughts. I still wasn't crying but I had started feeling like I wanted to, and needed to. Someone told me that if I felt like I needed to cry, I really just should. It would make me feel better and it's better than holding it all in. and I know talking about it should probably help but the thing is, I've never really been good with feelings, or rather with expressing them to people. This is why I keep a blog. Because I feel like maybe, talking about things really makes them fall apart. That's why I rather deal with stuff alone.

But just now, when I was lying on my bed feeling misserable because Ede told me to take her pills and sleep before I start with work but I just managed to lay on the bed like a vegetable thinking about work. Then I complained to her that we don't have enough time what with the tests and all, and we were starting to get all worked up and emo... I started crying. So I got up and decided to walk around outside for a while but before I could walk out the front door Vinn saw me and called to go to her room. I entered trying to make myself look normal but Ika stopped me and asked what the matter was. Bad question. Tears just started pouring out like mad I ran to Vinns bed and started crying. It was really embarassing cz now Ede and Ika and Vinn were all there. I told them to ignore me and just to go on with what they were doing. I wasn't supposed to let them see me crying like this. Ika kept on interrogating me asking what happened. I said nothing. Because nothing did happen. Then I told them, I think it's hitting me. This is it. And boy did it hurt. But I told them to not ask and ignore me. They finally got the message and started being all silly and got me laughing like mad through the tears.

You see, the bunch of friends I have, they make me crazy, they keep me sane. I know I'll be alright after heartbreaks, I always am. It just takes a really (really) long time sometimes, with lots of tea, good books, and a bunch of silly friends. In this case, this bunch of silly friends. They're my friends. They make me happy:) I'm feeling better now, though I'm still not O.K, but I will be. There may be more crying spells to come, more heartbreaks, more heartaches, more insomniac nights and blog posts about pain, more feeling too much and thinking too hard but I'll be okay.

 Got my friends, got the night, I'll be alright:)