Last night, was the first night we actually went to beraya at somebody else's house. Our car is still broken you see, so we can't really go far since riding the RF or MyV would be quite a squeeze. I don’t really mind anyway, my mind is far too busy to want to feel happy much. So anyway, Aunty Wardah had invited us to go over for an open house at her place (which is like two blocks away from our house). As I was ironing my clothes in Mum and Abahs room with my earphones on, I heard Mum and Abah talking. I wasn’t really eves droppingz cz it wansn’t really private and I wasn’t really much paying attention anyways, but I heard parts of their conversation. I heard Abah say “tak pe lah, I malu... orang tengok...” and then I heard Mum say, "alah, tak pe lah, takda siapa kesah... diaorg faham.." and then I heard Mum call Ina and ask if his stitches could be taken off yet. And all at once I understood what it was all about.
It made me really sad to think that Abah was actually embarassed. He shouldn’t have to be. He should be proud. The marks he bears should be worn proud like battle scars, representing all the battles he’s won, and the ones he’s winning. And besides, we’d punch anyone who stared. He knows we would. But still, Abah didn’t go...
Somedays, scenes like this are really hard to bear. Remember when I told you about Abahs eye going droopy because they had cut a nerve in his neck which ruint his muscles near his eye. Remember when I told you how Abah kept asking us if his eye was still droopy? If it was so obvious and if it looked less obvious when he put on his glasses? Well, his eye never got better.
On the second last day of puasa, when we went for supper after terawih, I was telling Abah about the printer being out of ink. As he was telling me about buying some more when we go out the next day, well, that was the first time since I got back that I ever had a real good look at his face. When Abah talked, his mouth looked different. It was slanted someway I don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t need to ask Mum was the matter was this time, I guess another nerve got ruint during the recent operation... I bit my lips hard trying not to break into tears.
Some nights, I find it really hard to stop crying. In the mornings I’m all red and puffy and when I look in the morror, an empty, ugly shell is staring back.
Mum said Abah is going to start his chemo sessions this month. You never know how nasty chemo is until you see it for yourself. You may think you do, but you don't. You just don't. I know it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. I know that. But I don't want it to get worse! What on earth could be worse than this? What?... I hope Abah stays strong. I hope Mum stays strong for Abah. And I hope we all stay strong for Mum.
The day before raya, as we were all in the midst of chaos preparing the house for raya, walking about cooking, cleaning... I caught Abah sitting on the couch, TV on, remote in his hand but I could see his mind some place else. Eyes staring far into the distance... It breaks my heart to see him like that. How can I possible stay strong when I have to watch someone I love wither away like that? How can I not cry silently in the dark every night when all I can think about is the pain he's going through. The pain Mum is going through, and the pain we're going through as a family. We're not ready to let him go just yet. We still need him.
I still need him :’(
you hurt until it's madness in my head.
you have me by your side .
ReplyDeleteyou have me too, can alsooo :(
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