I'll try again, tomorrow.

I remember that night, I wonder if you still do too. I asked you if she were still here, do you think she would like me. You said, "if she were still here, I wouldn't be this way."

I felt so confused, yet, deep down, I knew exactly what you meant. Those words have haunted me all these years and now I wonder, If you could start fresh and choose all over again, would it still be me?

I dreamt of you again last night, and everything had changed. I woke up this morning and everything was the same. I got thinking, a little bit about the future, and quite a lot about the past. And I got thinking about how lost I am in the now. It feels like I'm standing on a crossroad, just wondering where to go. But I guess it has always been this way. It always will. There will always be choices to make, and most times, its like you're spinning in circles with eyes closed. Which ever path you take, will be the whichever one you stopped spinning at.

About a week ago, I was having a bad day that was just getting worse. By night time it was already really bad, and I was hungry. So hungry that even when I discovered a beetle in my murtabak, I pushed it aside and kept digging in until I bit into something crunchy which probably was just a stray piece of egg shell, but it turned me off so I went to bed hungry and sad.

The next morning, 9am on the dot I was standing in front of my supervisors door uttering, "robbi 'asir walaa tu 'asir" under my breath. When I came out, I felt better than I had felt the day before, and the days before that day too. Throughout the whole 45 minutes in there, my supervisor who had once told me that the best I could hope for was a B was now discussing my Masters with me. She said she though I had a talent for writing academic papers. It was nice to know that amidst all those things I was doing wrong, all those scew-ups, I was actually doing something right. It felt good. And even though God knows if I'd ever get my paper done in time- I felt good, and I didn't care much about how bruised how I was really feeling inside.

Things got better after that. Friday night I left for home. We stopped by a Seafood place before that, just because. It was nice. It reminded me of those days at the seafood place at Pantai Jeram. I miss those days so much. I'm missing a lot of the past these days. I just got off the phone with Vinn. We're planning to see each other this holiday. I really hope we do.

So far I'm enjoying my holidays. This morning we took Syafiq, Syadit and Aisyah horse riding again while waiting for Hidayah. After lunch I went to watch The Devil Inside at U8 with my sisters. It was good.. scary, but the ending was frustrating but it was satisfying enough for a horror movie addict like me. Then at night we had dinner at Aunty Wardahs' place. Shes mum's niece, but they're about the same age. Her sister in law is convert Japanese, and they were having a sort of Japanese themed dinner party. So it was a real treat to have a real live Japanese person cook udon, oden, miso soup, tempura, sushi, and many many more Japanese cuisine. I helped fry the tempura enough to feed an army, but I was armed with only a pair of chopsticks okay! Then I ate and ate and ate till I was stuffed. The highlight for the night was when the boys had a sushi rolling contest and the household roared with cheers and boos like we were watching football or something -___-"

Well, it's been a tiering night. I'm teman-ing Mum watch Forrest Gump right now. Havent been able to do that in ages. Tomorrow I have to be up at 4am to send Nenek to the hospital. She had a blood clot on her leg the other night. I feel bad for not being able to be there that night, so I wanna go teman her tomorrow. I hope things go well. Amin.

Courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."