you are.

You are the trips i did not take
You are the shoes i could not buy
You are the pies i did not bake
You are my magnificent blue sky

You are the books i did not write
You are the holes i could not mend
You are the song my heart just cries
You are the letters i did not send

You are the pictures i did not take
You are the goodbyes i did not wave
You are the promises i break
You are the sorry i could not say

You are the moon that ceases to glow
when i want you late at night
and i just wanted you to know
that i still love you, if that’s alright. 

don't come back for me.

the sun still rose

the wind still blew

but

the world has changed

and so have you

don't come back at all...

this too shall pass....

And when
the cuts, the burns,
the breaks and pain
was never on my body
or in my mind
but in my soul
and hurt so bad,
I turn myself
inside out
to hide within me.
Fold up my legs tight,
thoughts buried deep
into the darkness
where you won’t find me.
But now my insides
touch the outside
and that feels even worse...



getting back up. getting back up.

my lungs are getting clearer.

Sometimes I think of you
when the skies are getting darker
and the clouds fill up with rain
like my chest swells up with pain
and the heart screams even louder

Sometimes I miss you
when I'm drinking my tea
and the air is getting colder
and the day isn't even half over
I wish you were here next to me

Sometimes it doesn't matter
if I’m falling even faster
cz I’ve hit the ground too soon
jumped right of the crescent moon
I’m getting up much stronger.


and I'll feel you forget me like how i use to feel you breathe.

please shut the door behind you.

I never left,
you walked away.
And maybe it's nobodies fault
and maybe we only have ourselves to blame 
And now that you’re halfway out the door,
I wish you'd make up your mind
You’re letting the cold air in.
And I'm freezing.


I won't stop you from leaving, I won't beg you to stay.

oh, your heartbeat would be my lullaby.

I

secretly

wish i could

quietly crawl

into your heart

make a nest

out of love

and fall

asleep.

I miss you.

i need you.

I wish...
you would hold my shaking hands
when my heart feels so weary
and the tears won’t stop.
take me back to my heart where hope lingers deep down
so I can find my way back again.

Sometimes, I wish you would just call me up and wish me good luck. Even if it's just for a rehearsal. Or tell me that I'm doing fine and things will be okay... even if I'm not, even if things aren't going to.

But I wish you would....

I wish that every time I look back and feel like running away, there's someone to nudge me from the back and say, "I'm right here behind you, so stiffen up that upper lip and keep walking because I'm with you every step of the way."



And I wish those two seats I've been desperately trying to save were for you.

You.

You are in everything
and in all the things
I find you.
You are everywhere.

I feel you,
in the rumpled bedsheets
still snug from the warmth
of the silhouette drawn upon
by the morning sun;

I taste you,
in the sweet scent of apple tea
that stains the water
as it fills this empty cup I hold
in hands that long for yours;

I hear you,
in the echoes of my own breath
humming in my own ears
like white noise
before I drift away to sleep

and it’s you
that whispers to me a song
between the exhales I take
the words left unspoken,
all those you've left unsaid.

You are in everything
and in all the things
I find you.
You are everywhere.

and in that
you are never
gone.

I wake up wanting and I go to sleep wanting; All day I want you.

Friday afternoon classes suck.

It's one in the morning and I'm looking like a thug
(I got my sleeves rolled up over my shoulders)
sipping warm strawberry tea from my mug
with icky bits of mushy cookie crumbs inside
Vinns headphones wrapped around my neck
I'm going over my notes for tomorrow
and listening to silly jokes my friends crack
about someones ridiculous trousers
oh I haven't even packed
because I've been too busy thinking about
how the hell I'm gonna get back!


yes they really are as immature as they sound.

I have a contempt for such dreams about you,

roll over and kick the blanket
feel around to stop the noise
crash your hand against the button
wish death upon gold rays of sunrise

beating down upon your skin
smell eggs frying in the pan
drag yourself into the bathroom
wipe steam off the mirror with your hand

wash away your scary nightmares
hope hot water melts despair
pray those pearls stop rolling sometime
rummage around for something to wear

but nothing matches the red in your eyes
your hair is a tousled mess like your waking hours
and the sting in your chest reminds you
that your unconscious hours are nowhere near better.

  
because sometimes my dreams are no better than reality.

I let go of my pride, let it fall down like rain.

I can't stop staring at the screen,
I can’t stop wishing you weren’t talking about me
you got sick of all this, so you’ve chosen to leave
said I cluttered your mind with such stupid feelings

and now I lie awake, it's a quarter past three
wrapped in my blanket of sick misery
tears just keep falling, I can’t stop the flow
concealed are the words in my heart: please don’t go.

So I sit up in my bed shivering cold
from the thought of you choosing to leave me alone
screaming is my heart; it’s screaming your name
“I need you” it says, “now, more than anything.”

I poke at my food when it comes to the table
my stomach churns, I try swallow, but I’m unable
all I need are pain killers; an aspirin, maybe two
can it numb stupid pain? Make me feel like brand new?

I got my finals to study for but I can’t even think
I have notes to write down, I got paper and some coloured ink
but my paper like my heart is so empty today
I scrunch it up in a ball, and I throw it away

do you think it would it help if I turn the sad song on?
would it help me cry out the fact that you’re gone?
and I thought that being strong meant never losing control
does being strong mean you’re strong enough to let go?

I think that maybe, I could have loved you all my life
if you hadn’t left me bleeding, stabbed by your knife
I'm thinking, ok hoping, that we'll be fine again
but it seems like this here, is where our story ends

it sounds sad, I know, but hey, we can still be good friends
and this wound, it will heal, pfft! In no time, it will mend
and you’ll find that somebody, that wont mess up your life
she won’t make you think, more than she makes you feel alive.

Here's a secret: You had me at “hello, can I borrow your pen?’
I said “sure” but I gave you my heart instead.
I hope you never have to know how I really feel about you
and that right now I, am hurting inside, just as badly too.

spiteful words can hurt feelings,
but your silence breaks my heart.
I never thought that I would need you
there when my insides fall apart.

you had me going for you honey and it never would have gone away, you use to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade...

what does my heart beat for?

Love,
It wraps its fingers round my spine
Twists and tugs until cry
Claws at my skin until I bleed,
Sucks me dry as I let it feed.

And you,
I let you open up my chest
Take something that you thought was best
You didn’t ask, you just tore it out
Yet I just let you, didn’t scream nor shout

You said: just pour your heart out, love
and I, fell like suicide from a bridge for your words
But now there’s bit’s of my heart splattered on the floor
You step over them and walk right out that door

And I take what’s left to the kitchen sink
To rinse under cold water, and I start to think
What’s the heart worth if it’s left all alone?
Leave long enough, and watch it turn into stone.

Tattered torn, forlorn heart bruised and sore
Thinking maybe I should call you up for some more
So I turn around and pick up the phone
After all, isn’t this what the heart beats for?

Now I lie awake I can’t sleep at night
I stare at the ceiling at the dancing street lights
My mind it echoes like a big tin drum
Heart racing fast, speeding now as it hums

I drown in my thoughts as intricate as flakes of snow
I look down to my chest and wonder, what this heart beats for.

hey, moon.

:)

I don’t know what you mean to me,
and maybe that’s the saddest part,
to not know what’s been pounding,
inside this deep, dark, hollow heart

You're like the moon.
You’re always there: you’re always on my mind.
and you're so pretty, just so damn beautiful
Hey moon, won’t you be so kind…
as to rise, shine upon my heavy soul,
illuminate my nights,
Tell me what this emotion is
that makes my legs wobble weak,
erupts my heart with delight.
That tears apart at my agony,
rips away excruciating pain,
eliminate the atrocious fear
of becoming unbearably insane

but maybe, you're just a big rock floating,
drifting off in space?
Suspended in bleak nothingness,
you’re nothing but a trace.
Maybe you're not so magical,
maybe you're nothing but mere dust
but not the magic kind with mystical powers.
But if you’re nothing special,
then what is with my fuss?

and maybe I have no phucking clue
where I'm going with this poem
Maybe I’m writing because it gets so hard
to close my eyes crawling into bed at 2 in the morning.
Maybe I’m scared I’ll wake up screaming,
from dreaming of you tonight,
and I just need to sort you out,
but the image of your eyes I will need to fight,
because as I shut mine, it’s you I see,
behind closed eyelids you’ve been waiting for me.
For me to dream of you.

So I hug my pillow tight,
as the moon; it glows and glistens,
drowns me in it’s beams of brilliant lucid light,
shines itself in though my window,
rest it’s head against my pillow,
pulls the covers up,
before the sun comes out,
I whisper to his ears slow:
Hey moon, I hope

I never have to let you go.

I wrote a poem. This time it's for you, it's about you, but you won't understand.

sticky tape

There is an empty space, a lonely place,
at the back of my skull, in my head,
covered in traces of sticky tape,

from where I've ripped down
photos of you.

This poem is not for you, not about you. But I hope you'll read it.

My Frankenstein

I created a man out of bits of me
and dwelled inside his chest
ripped out a heartbeat from my ribs
so that a heart beats in his breasts

I pumped blood in with my fingertips
until it throbs deep in his veins
I smashed my fists against his lungs
to puff in all life’s petty pains

I swing a sledge hammer into his skull
pried it open till my hands ached with pain
scrunched up pretty dreams into a ball
dropped it in with thoughts that fall in like rain

I molded his arms out of courage
smashed some holes into its wall
shoved the ends in to get it working
so his hands could catch me when I fall

I made a patchwork of emotions
to sew a suit of skin on him
I placed shards of glass upon his eyes
so that tears of hurt sparkle within

and then I kissed his ice cold lips
which set his soul on fire
until those silly little wounds of his
ignite in flames, then, disappear

layer by layer, he comes undone
I peel away and strip him bare
of his immaculate pure innocence
and I gaze at him just laying there

that poor fragile, broken thing
a broken heart, with broken wings
that I had made
with my bare hands
my blood spattered
tired hands
my Frankenstein of sheer passion
Part’s of me glued to fit.