you stepped in when others stepped out. thank you :)

When I opened the document I screamed the first time because it was the supervisor list for term paper. As Me and Ede scrolled down and frantically searched for our names I could feel my heart beating real hard against my chest. I couldn't find my name. Maybe I was searching too fast. So I went back up and looked carefully again but Ede's eyes were sharper than mine. She gave out a gasp as said, "OMG Syaf you got Madam!" and with that, I let out a big NOOOOOO!! I wanted to get up and leap out the window.

I have always been terrified of her. I respect her and truth be told, she is one of the best lecturers I have ever gotten before. If I admire my Teaching Writing lecturer for his fiery passion for teaching, then I admire her for her over the top organization skills. She is also one of the very few lecturers I actually genuinely pay attention to in class because I actually understand what she is teaching. But being well known for her sarcasm and unpredictable mood swings, I am also terrified of her, almost as much as I am respectful of her.

I just couldn't sit still after that. I felt like a nervous wreck. Sort of half delusional hoping they got me wrong of something. I double checked my surname to make sure it was me and then proceeded with telling everyone with how doomed I felt I was. The sad thing was that nothing anyone said was making me feel any better. Some tried really hard and thank you for trying guys, but I could tell, each and every one of them knew exactly how doomed I really was. I think for my friends who knew me more, and for those who knew the lecturer too, knew just how uptight I can be when it comes to assignments and stuff, and they're probably expecting one of my usual nervous break downs any time soon I suppose.

But after a while, I found that talking to people who didn't know the lecturer actually made me feel much better. They'd say stuff like they knew lecturers like the one I described and they all turn out good and stuff. And so I soaked up their words like a sponge. I needed to, else I was going to shrivel up and die in my own skin.

After dinner, I had felt a little bit better. I kinda figured I was gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. I had to grow up. In life, you don't always get what you want. Just the other day I was talking with my friends how I didn't care who my supervisor was as long as it wasn't her. Yesterday, God gave me her to test me, and also to teach me that sometimes in life, you get what you don't want most. I think he wanted me to learn, so thank you Allah.

I am trying very hard to accept it, and embrace it as a challenge, if not another wise lesson in life. I know how I usually break under pressure. How cranky I get when things don't go as planned. How I can be a teary mess when I screw up, destroying my own spirit with a jagged knife. Maybe I will finally learn to be patient, and maybe this will teach me to be more calm and collected when all hell breaks lose. Maybe, I will come up with a more meticulous proposal and put in the extra 10% effort and do real good. Maybe. But I'll try. I will not feed my fears. I will not let them win. Not this time.

So, thank you to those who have tried to make me feel better. You guys are the best. I don't blame anyone who didn't know what to say, or said all the wrong words. It's okay. You tried and that's what makes you all my loveliesss~ Besides, if I were you guys, I don't think I'd know what to say to myself either. And well, I know me. I'm a pretty insecure person always needing reassurance that everything will be okay. It's ridiculous and annoying I know! But thanks. And special thanks to those who have promised to be there every step of the way, whether if it's helping with my term paper first hand, or just being at the other end of the line ready to pick me up when I screw up and fall and pat me on the back when I'm down.

 

Sometimes you need someone, but that someone can't/ won't be there for you, and suddenly out of no where, someone else steps in willingly. Don't fret or sigh. Thank God for showing you who cared.