I’ve always thought of love to be something like the human appendix: a total nuisance. It’s like, when you have it, you don’t even notice it’s there. Until one day you feel this nagging pain at the side of your stomach. You pretend it’s nothing, and ignore the pain for some time until one day you can ignore it no more; it has ruptured. The pain is so intense that you could virtually pass out from it. Finally, you have no choice but to get rid of it and in the end, it leaves you bedridden, unable to move for days with a nasty scar and an empty hole inside.
Love, is not a choice. It’s just a mean trick played on us humans to repopulate the earth to ensure that mankind does not become extinct. Ironic how lately people have been coming to me requesting for advice on love and they say things like, "Help! I don't know what to do!" and "what do you think I should do when...." and when I have given them my 2cents worth, "thank you, you give really good advice!" and "you really do understand!" when my own love life feels like a tragedy. I admit I feel good when what I say actually works and makes them feel good too, but I feel unworthy of giving such advice that I almost feel like a fake swaami on the internet telling faux fortunes to innocent victims paying $30 per month. I am a train wreck inside. And the threat of him leaving has deduced to him telling me to leave him instead. How can what I say possibly make anyone better when my own heart is an ugly mess.
Thing I'd do for you #21. Let you go (when you want me to). I know I promised. But my feet are stuck and I can’t move. It feels like they’re glued to the ground by past words of you. Even if i turn my body away, my heart wont leave. You can leave if you want to but I can’t. Even though sometimes I want to try to. I just can’t. I’m not giving up no matter how hopeless it all seems. I’ll try and try and keep trying until I can’t try no more. When you come across a bump in the road, you don’t run away from it. The guilt of not trying will follow you around for the rest of your life hanging like the dark cloud it is. If it doesn’t work out in the end, then never mind. At least I won’t have to dwell upon the one that got away, imagining what could have been if I had tried just a little harder, if I had loved just a little longer.
You know, life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in most unlikely places. In the giggles of little children, in the lines of a song, and in the eyes of that someone you love. And if you’re lucky, if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love eventually decides to love you back. And if they don’t (after you have tried all you could) then you’ll know that it was not meant to be and you can wait for the one God has planned for you. The one you haven’t met yet. Or the one who is already there but you never really realized it. But the one you’ve been trying so hard on, he wasn’t a waste. Every scar burned is a lesson learned. And just because a love can’t last doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, that it didn’t change you. For the better or for worse. You can’t go back, you won’t stay the same but I promise that one day, you won’t even want to. It’ll all fall beautifully in place somehow. I look forward to that.
So for now, in my weakest moments, I weep. In the quiet of the night when everyone is asleep, when I’m watching a movie on my laptop and no one can see a drop or two would fall. Some days, I just can’t help but rush back home, just so I could cry into my pillow. And on a day like today, how sad I thought, how sad it was to have to cry about a boy on such a beautiful Monday afternoon. I guess I just wanted to mean something to someone, you know? I just wanted to know that one person on this earth would miss me if I weren’t next to them. Sometimes I just want to ask you, who am I to you? where do I fit inside the soft walls of your heart? Have you some small space for me at all? Sometimes, I just want to tell you (even if you never asked me) that no, I’m not okay. But that’s not what you want to hear. You don’t want to hear anything.
You know, you don’t need a scale to measure how much someone loves you. Sometimes you can just feel it in your heart. And sometimes, that’s enough to know. By now I thought I’d be used to things like this. I mean for two years, I’ve been patiently waiting to be fallen in love with, and for two years, I've been constantly pushed out of the heart and warned to stay away. I guess it’s the tragedy of loving. You're not always loved back. So you know what I mean when I say that I don’t think anyone who falls in love has a choice. You’re just pulled to that person like an invisible magnet, whether it’s good for you or bound to break your heart.
Keep moving, keep trying—that my motto. Don’t dwell on things. Don’t stay in one place too long. That was probably the only way to stay ahead of the sadness.
so don't walk away from me. please, don't walk away from me.
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words left unspoken.