I'm crushed black and blue, but you know I'd do it all again for you...

The past few weeks have been pretty crummy. The Celcom and Maxis line have been horrible, and my broadband hasn't been nice either. Being cut from the outside world can make things feel pretty miserable here on the inside, it was making me rot from my bones but I guess just for the sake of holding on, I held on.

After shoving down disgusting but good for me stuff down my throat for nearly one whole month I still managed to get sick and that made me feel so helpless, and not to mention, really annoyed. But mum called and said she had gotten the blood test results from Dr. Amir (I couldn't go get it the last time cz we had an emergency and had to go Penang to help out for a funeral). She said the results showed I was fine and though I had a minor bacterial infection in the blood and I was still immuno-surpessed, it was nothing serious and he prescribed me some things but I'm gonna be okay! I'm gonna be able to fall in love, get married, have kids and live to tell the tale! Yeay! Hehe...

I'm just gonna have to find a person to fall in love with first though. oh crud. ok not yeay.

I think I've been lying to myself lately. I've had a horrible history of falling in love with people who never fall back. It's embarrassing, and it's pathetic. You know, I thought what happened with Mayon had taught me a lesson. I though when I asked him why (he left) and he said he "tried so hard" (to love me) was enough to teach me a tough lesson on love. I though it was enough to make me see that if someone actually had to 'try'... SO HARD just to love me, then maybe, there is something wrong with me.

the other night I got stood up. It was funny at first, and I wasn't angry. I just thought he had fallen asleep. I was on the phone half the time so I hardly felt the waiting but when I went back in past the guard I kinda felt embarrassed. I mean, he must think I'm nuts to go out, sit at the front of the guardhouse alone staring at the street ahead, squinting my eyes every now and then, go on the phone for a while, and then walk back in- after 40 minutes that is. Of course it got even more embarrassing when I got laughed at by my friends when I told them I've been waiting. I laughed along too of course and tried to think nothing of it. Pretending everything’s alright is okay sometimes because when everyone thinks you’re fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you’re not.

But I can't say that I didn't get a teeny little bit scratched. You know, what actually makes me more of a loser is that I still hoped to see him. I still waited around to give him the heart-shaped rock I found on the way to class one day that I've been saving to give him on our last day this semester. It didn't happen.

I was angry at first. I had been crying all day feeling all stupid about being stood up and when the second bomb hit me, I was trying hard not to cry cz I was in the car with mum and abah. I just held it in till I got home. But I didn't cry much at home either. I'm already having a terrible headache from my toothache, and I had been crying all day anyways, my tear ducts were tired I guess, and so was I. We were going to go to Melaka the next day so I had to get up early to pack. (p/s: I'm blogging from Melaka right now)

I had started to feel guilty for being angry at him. Everything that went wrong was an honest mistake, he did fall asleep. We had just finished out last paper that afternoon so who wouldn't in their right mind want to sleep off all the nights sacrificed for the finals, right. Yeah. And that rock, well, it's just a silly old rock. I might as well throw it in the first sea I come across, throw it as far and as hard as I can and let it sink right down to the bottom where it would get pushed deeper into the sand and grow slimy green moss over it. It's just a rock after all. Isn't that where rocks belong? But I do hope that someday, it finds it's way back into somebody else's hands. somebody who deserves it, and I hope that that somebody gives it to someone who wants it. Because I didn't deserve it, and nobody seems to want my heart anyways.

I guess I was just little disappointed I couldn't see him one last time before the holidays. I just thought seeing him would lessen the pain of missing him for the next 5 weeks...

Actually, I'm a little scared right now. I've never liked someone this much. And to tell you the truth, no one has ever been nice enough to stay this long. But I'm ready to book Bella a ticket back here, because I told her, that if the next guy leaves me, I need her to come and hug me. But until then, I still haven't given up. The pain only lasts a while, it's quitting that lasts forever.

I hope you want to stay for a long time, because my heart really likes you.