Me: WAHAHAHAHA!
OK, Mayon has always had this inferiority complex thing about being a little too tanned. Hahaha... Anyway, that was the topic we we talking about during our last phone conversation when he called me a couple of days ago besides him talking about wanting to get a new job AGAIN because he feels unproductive at work. Makan gaji free and being lembab. He complained, "You know when you've been doing nothing for a long time and suddenly someone gives you something to do, you become really slow. I tak nak jadi lembab Syaf! I dah lah gemuk!"
-____-"
And so, he was talking about how his friends are all either getting ready to settle down, or already have. I realize that too cz somehow, I'm the black sheep among some of my friends too. Though not yang betul-betul black lah. Haha..
But I wonder, Is it the age? Are we getting 'too old' that it's necessary enough to get married? But we're only 23. Well I'm going on 23 this December. Which I would still consider as still young for a marriage but don't get me wrong, I guess the reason I'm saying that is because ever since I was young (ok now I do feel old!) I have always decided that I was going to get married at the age of 26-28. But I guess that just because Mum and Abah got married around that age. And they seem perfectly fine to me. Perfectly happy.
So I'm not saying I'm against people getting married at this age. I'm totally cool with it that they found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, you know. I even envy them sometimes. Finding the perfect match isn't easy. Getting through all those toads. Kissing each and every slimy warty ones until one turns into a prince. Your prince. Some people go through their whole lives kissing toads. Some every marry one, because they're just too tired of kissing the others because after a while, the slime sticks and you grow warts all over your lips for kissing too long, too hard (ewww..). Yeah. I don't want to end up like that. I'll wait. Even if it takes forever, I'll wait because I think it'll be all worth it. I guess when you find the right one, you'll know it. You just will. How? I'm not sure. But it will be magical, like how the toad is lifted into the air, spun around in some twinkling bright wafts of magic smoke, and transformed into a prince right before your eyes. When you find the right one, your heart will let out a great big sigh and say, "there you are, I've been waiting so long."
You may say that maybe because I'm single and not attached to anyone that I feel so, but to tell you the truth but even if I'm taken, even if he turns out to be my toad-turned-to-prince, I still doubt I would get married early because for me, I think there's still so much left to see in this world; and marriage is a big thing. A big commitment which I'm afraid I can't give my full attention to when there's still a lot of other things that I wanna do with my life. I wonder, is that what I was put on this earth for? To just get married and have babies, the provide for these babies so they can some day be just like me too? I feel like there's just so much more I haven't done yet. Not that I'm saying that my life will end once I get married, but, there's something we all look for in life. I still haven't found it yet and I don't want to stop looking. And I don't want to raise my children making them dress a certain way, doing certain things just because I couldn't complete my life so they have to. I don't want them to have to continue it for me. Where's the fun in that?
And then there's also the other thing that keeps me from wanting to get married right now. Its that cold, hard green stuff that everybody is chasing after: money. And though money isn't everything, it's sad to say that we can't deny, it's what makes the world go round. Boys are always scratching they heads and pulling out their hair about not having enough money to get married. They don't have a clue that it bothers their female counterparts too. I would never marry until I can buy my own car and my own house and still have enough money in the bank to survive and buy things I have always wanted. I'm talking about MY money. Money I have earned with my own blood, sweat and tears. Not my parents or my future husbands money.
I want to always feel secure. I want to know that if someday someone appears at the door, be it his past lover, or just someone better than me, when he gets up, drops his things and leaves, I would be able to spick up all the pieces, get up and live. Not just survive. And I want to be able to keep my kids with me and still be able to provide for them and give them a good life so I could make up for his absence. So that they would never have to feel incomplete.
So basically, I don't want to get all caught up in love and then get married and take it for granted. But I'm sure that my friends who are married, or are getting married have different views. I know they're ready for the commitment. Everybody takes different paths in life. There will always be a reason for each path they choose. Who am I to say my path is right and theirs is wrong. For all I know, both our paths could lead us somewhere beautiful, somewhere we are meant to be.
I can't wait for my friends to get married and have kids. I can't wait to be the aunt that spoils my 'nieces' and 'nephews.' Hehehe!
But looks like it's gonna be a long time before it's my turn and I accept that. Besides not having a potential life partner to get married to, I just don't think I'm ready yet. Not in the near future anyways, but InsyaAllah with God's willing I will get there too. I leave it all Him. He's got it all planned for me after all :)
Mayon said, "to have someone to love would be nice". Well, in a way, yes. But I told him, "to love someone you can have would be nicer."
Sometimes I wonder, what's the point in loving if you can't be together...
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words left unspoken.