When I went to see Dr. Amir (the child immunologist, if you forgot), the first thing he asked me when he looked at my hands was, "are you stressed? Why are you so stressed?" And I wanted to ball my eyes out. Not because he knew I was stressed, but because I didn't know why I was so stressed.
He and Mum looked at me for quite a while, waiting as I fumbled for an answer. All I could tell them was that our four year Program is being crammed into three years, so our semesters are always jam packed. Mum said "eleh", and my head said eleh too, but I knew that that was not even one twelfth of what really bothered me. I just didn't know what the other eleven parts were.
Know why I'm always hiding stuff about me? It's not cz I just like being secretive, no, believe it or not, I'd rather flush them out of my system than culture them just so those secrets could turn to poison and kill me inside. Because everyday I die a little more and the monsters inside scream a little louder. My secrets are like these invisible creatures that break my heart and sweep the pieces out to sea.
I find it hard to tell things to people cz well first, it's tough finding the right words to say when your talking about feelings you try very hard to wish away, and second, I was afraid that if people knew how nasty my secrets were, they'd think bad things about me, and probably about the people around me too, especially if the secrets involve those other people. I was scared that those bad things people think are the same bad things I think. But you know whats worse? It's that I know the bad things people think are true, because I think them too. Even though they are about me.
I know next sem is going to be hard on me. More hurdles to jump, battles to fight, more scars to remind me of the battles I've lost but I'm trying, and I wanna try real hard. Maybe last semester I gave up too easily too fast, hence the breakdowns. But I don't wanna give up anymore, and I don't wanna give in. And if things suddenly go wrong or I screw up, I'm getting back up and moving forward cz at least if I fall again, I'll be falling in the right direction.
But if all else fails, and fighting just isn't working anymore, then I'm jumping on the bus and heading straight home because sometimes, flight is the better option. But that does not mean I 'm throwing in the towel. Sometimes, I just need to get away and clear my head because people are right when they say I think too much. I do. I'm a worry wort who has the ability to hurt myself by just thinking of the utterly silly things nobody else has time for. If the phone lines aren't working again and I have no one else to turn to, I'll go to where my heart will always be- home.
Because I'm done being locked up in the lonely corners of my mind. It's very dark and terribly cold up there. And you can't just wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. You have to slay the dragons with whatever is left of your heart and make a rope out of your tangle thoughts. I think sometimes, you're just gonna have to save yourself.
You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away?
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words left unspoken.