where is the good in goodbye?

Just like perfect timing, as I was soaking up the last hours of my sanity relaxing and watching TV and doing some virtual baking, I heard someone giving the Salam. I went downstairs unlock the door only to find MakNgah and Ami Dollah with a very tired looking Maya rested on his shoulders. He said, "Ni, Sumayah cakap dia nak jumpa kakak Ikah sebelum Ikah balik."

My heart just keeps melting for this kid. But she didn't seem very happy or excited. She just looked lethargic and tired. I figured it was night time anyways and it must have been wayyy past her bedtime or something so I let my Uncle take her to see nenek and went back upstairs to watch TV. 10 minutes later, I heard tiny foot steps coming up the stairs. Then I saw her tiny head bobbing up with a huge smile plastered on her face. She was happy to see me. You don't know how good it feels to see someone smile like that just because they were happy to see you. She came and sat on my lap and looked at the laptop and said, "game ni lagi!" (she was referring to Baking Life) hehe... She told me how she just got back from the Hospital cz she was sick.

Later, Mak Ngah told me she had a really nasty asthma attack the other night and cz she was sick and had wheezing cough, they kept her in for observation. And when she finally got released, she told Mak Ngah and Ami Dollah she wanted to see me cz I was going back. I guess God gives a reason for everything, cz the last time she came, I told her I was going back on Friday but then Abah said he wanted to buy and install new antivirus and get me a new Broadband (mine was supposed to be given to Ina) so I'm going back tomorrow. If I went back this morning, I would never get to see that smile and I could have broken a little girls tiny heart. But now I really wish I didn't have to go back, cz this tiny heart, has fixed my ugly one in just so many ways during the holidays. Sigh.

Oh, another perfect timing (I think) is that Ina decides to take a break and come home. So when we went to see her again when mum got back from work, she announced that she was coming back with us. Even if it was just for one night (she's going back tomorrow night) but I think we were all thrilled to see her again. We missed her so. It was kinda funny when we told nenek we were going to see Ina at the hospital, she asked, "laaa... Ina sakit apa?" But it's not that funny anymore when you realize she's starting to forget.

A couple of nights ago, while we were watching Gerak Khas, she asked me where Mum was (for the third time) and (for the third time) I told her, "Mum's still at work," and then Nenek said, "Nenek lupa lahh.. Nenek dah nyanyuk." And even though I told her she was fine and that she just forgot, I knew the truth. And I felt a little sad. How much longer was she gonna remember me for? When I come back, will she still remember me?

Is there a phobia for people forgetting you? The fear of being forgotten. I think that's just one of my worst irrational fears. Sometimes I just get so scared people will forget me someday. Like I'm not important enough for them to remember. But I know that's just silly, forgetting is only natural. But still, I try very hard to make it so I that won't be forgotten.

I like making things for people, and even if you got just a hand made card for your birthday from me, you should know I love you very much, and that I hope, you will always remember me. And I'm hoping that one day, when we're not talking anymore- maybe it was distance, or maybe we just ran out of things to say- when you find something I made you in a dusty old box under your bed or at the back pocket of a pair of jeans you no longer wear, you will remember me, and you will remember that I remember you, because I'll remember everyone that was once important to me.

Anyway, back to reality! I'm trying not to be too upset about the new timetable. There's a reason for everything right? And I'm always surviving what ever life decides to throw at me. That should be some kind of motivation for me, shouldn't it? I know that despite the shits I've had to deal with in the past, I'm still very much alive and kicking. And since I scored an unbelievable 77 on the Resilience Test, I'll probably be kicking my way through 6th sem. So bring.it.on.

Hit me with your best shot.