In all those obscure shades of grey;

Who ever thought that I'd be diagnosed with something totally different! Mum took me to see her immunologist friend last week. Which is something I've been putting of for months because I've been too busy, and too scared to see him. I've always had this irrational fear that, if someone checked me, they'd find more things wrong with me. I know it's better they find something out now, than later- when it's too late but it still doesn't make me fee any less terrified about it.

But anyway, I finally went to see him cz I've just had enough with whatever that's been happening to me. The cryosurgery never seems to work. I've gone through enough pain, and I've gotten enough scars and I'm tired of getting ashamed every time someone points out my scars and I'm running out of excuses every time someone asks me about the bandages.

Mums immunologis friend- let's give him a name shall we, now that I've officially met him. So, Dr. Amir, is an immunologist who specializes in child immunology (I don't know if there's a special term for that), and he's the most nicest, most bubbliest, and most funniest doctor I've ever met. I mean, when I was in the waiting room at Pantai Hospital waiting my turn, I was downright nervous. I was imagining him to be some fierce man who puts on a straight face and was going to tell me something really bad> Somewhat like the grimm reaper I suppose. But he wasn't. He was't like that at all.

 The moment we stepped into the room, he cracked a joke with mum and we all started laughing. He kept cracking more jokes and the atmosphere felt so much more positive and I got a little more relaxed. As I told him what I felt was wrong with me, and after he took a look at my scars, he said he thinks I might actually be misdiagnosed. This was a new disease, well, its not much of a disease but more like a syndrome, and I've forgotten whats its called cz the term is new to me, and mum too as a matter of fact, but it sounded like something between porn + cornflakes. Yeah, I know-_-"

He says he knows cz he gotten them too before and its due to being immunosupressed, and is triggered by stress (too), and if I sweat a lot too. He's not too sure about mine cz my marks have been burned by salasylic acid so hes taken a blood test and wants to see me in two weeks time. Which still scares me a litte, cz, I mean, he could be wrong, or, he could stil find something worse wrong with me, but I have faith in him, and I have faith in God. And at least now I don't have to worry so much about it being something contageous, or (God forbid) something that was going to kill me or give me cancer. 

Dr. Amir has prescribed me something to boost my immune. I hope it works. I hope that what ever it is that I have is just a harmless allergic reaction to stress and not some vicious virus lurking in my blood. I hope I'm gonna be okay.... because I wanna get married, I wanna have children, I wanna grow old and meet my grandkids.

I wanna live.

faith; the belief in something intangible and the willingness to trust with your eyes closed and fingers crossed.