Seeing people happily in a relationship makes me feel a tad bit envy. Especially when I see my friends getting late night text messages or the really early morning ones. I wince when I see couples walking together and look away when they're holding hands. I miss feeling the way they do. I hate feeling like my own love has somehow maybe burned out. I hate feeling scared of waiting for the day he leaves. The days he counts down to. I'm scared of him being the one that got away.
I think when you fall in love with someone, every day you find something new to fall in love about them. The way they laugh, the way they cry, the way they sing along to their favorite football team song heard, or even the way they drive your car. All that love, everyday, you could say it's a pretty phenomenal feeling. But not when with each step you fall harder, is another step he takes away from you.
Oh, you. You're everything I want but you don't seem to want to want me back that much. Not as much as I want you. I know that maybe that's a sign for me to move on and let go but that's the thing, I never had you. So maybe there's nothing to move on from, there's nothing to let go. And that's the hardest part, I think - the fact that you and I have never happened. There's a sort of pathetic hope that keeps me going. The though that we could still happen one day. The thought that since you've never given us a try, you don't know how beautiful we could be. The though that one day, on a cold rainy morning or a warm sunny evening when you're watching the sun set from you bedroom window, you'll want to know.
Sometimes, I think he is Gods punishment to me for not loving those who loved me before. The other day someone asked me out on a date, but all I could think was they're not you. I had all those chances and I just pushed them away and now this is God's wrath upon me; to find someone I think I finally love, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with push me away. And I told myself, that if you weren't for me then that's okay. Maybe you were meant more amazing things than me, and that's okay.
I only pray one day He gives me someone to love. Maybe He'll let me have someone who can say, "I love you" and really mean it. Maybe, He'll give me someone who'll ask me to stay, lets me keep him this time.
Sometimes I wonder, maybe it's better if I had the shattered heart to love, the heart begging for me to take care of it, the heart hungry for a home because maybe, he'll understand how I feel and he'll never leave me because he knows just how it feels to be unloved and I could love him with all my heart, give him all I have because he would need it and that would be enough. I would be enough.
I haven't lost faith in God or his plans for me. I have not lost faith in love. No matter how ugly, tattered, torn and forlorn my heart is, I still think love is a beautiful thing, and I'm eager to see how beautiful it can get for me. But stuff like this is hard to explain to people. In spoken words they sound corny and sad. Silly even. I don't think there is anyone who can understand how it feels. So here I sit alone, with everything inside and maybe tonight, I'll cry myself to sleep.
I would sure love believing in something that's never leaving.
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words left unspoken.