Avoid. A Void.

Today, I woke up with that old hole in my heart feeling bigger than usual. I tell people that at some point we have to let go of the past, but here I am, being the hypocrite that I am. I keep telling myself, "this is the last time," but it just keeps happening. This feeble heart of mine is having a fine time beating itself to death.

I don't know what it was, but I was feeling this sensation of being anchored- chained to something, and it was holding me back. From what? I'm not quite sure. But I think, in someway, it was holding me back from my own feelings. I'm sorry but I don't know how to explain it to make you understand. 

But tell me, how many times can you sigh until your breaths come out like word vomit, and you spill out all these hateful words that have been hurting you inside. It's like you had swallowed needles, and now, every time you sigh, a pin or two comes out of your mouth and it's stained with the blood from tearing up your gut from the inside.

Maybe it was these swallowed pins thats making me feel so heavy inside. Maybe I had so many of them stuck inside me. Maybe that's why my stomach's always hurting; because I felt so heavy I couldn't move. But lying still in bed made things worse I think. It was horrible to have to wallow in self misery and drown yourself in your own sad thoughts. I don't think it's very healthy. Especially for someone like me.

But then what am I supposed to do? What do you do when the sky seems to be falling down on you? Do you ever feel like leaving? Do you ever feel that? Like all you want to do is just to walk away... from everything. Even the good things.

I do sometimes. But I don't know why. I just don't know.

And It scares me to think that no matter how hard anyone tries, I can't be fixed. That's just how I'd always felt about myself. But I couldn't say what was wrong with me. I just knew I was pretty messed up about everything. It's like, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard anyone tried, I will always be this bloody big mess inside. I will always be this broken.

And I will always have baggage. I guess I'm just waiting for someone to miss me enough to want to come along and help me unpack so I can stay. So I won't always fell like I need to run away anymore. Maybe this time I can stay. And maybe this time, there's someone to stay here with me. And maybe for once, I won't feel this empty anymore.

I am too young to feel this empty.

sometimes, I  feel like I don’t deserve love. So I walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.