that awkward moment when you hear something that kills you inside and having to act like you’re fine.

It always feels like this when it's nearing the end of each semester. You feel like you're about to leave something behind. You feel afraid of getting closer to something you don't want to get closer to, but you're not quite sure what it is. You just feel.... sad....

The closer you get to someone, the more you think you have them- the more scared you feel of losing them. But I don't know how to fight. And I don't know how to fight for you. And The way you can't fight for me is the way I can't fight for you. And the sad part is, both our hearts are too tired from the battles we've lost to even try fighting for each other. I'm afraid I'll lose you even before I have you...

Mum and Abah left for umrah yesterday. Trying to contact them to tell them to take care, to pray for me, and to tell them I love them was hell. It was just before they left- after two whole days trying to get them- that mum called me back and Abah sent me a text. They asked me to look out for Hidayah. She'll be home alone for two whole weeks. I need to get back to check up on her and make sure she's okay.

Going to the old folks home has been one of my dreams since foundation. Ive never had the chance cz I've always been too busy, but Yati said she's going this Saturday but has no one to teman her. I'm done with theater, presentations and assignments for this sem, so I thought, this is my chance. I really badly want to go. I plan on going and then head back home to Shah Alam right after.

I want to go develop my first roll of film from my Golden Half. I'm damn eager I just can't wait! It's been a long while since Ive had photos developed the 'traditional way'. It would be awesome too to be able to have my memories framed or pasted in one of those old style picture albums (note to self: get an old style picture album)

Bella's coming tomorrow but we can't meet up for long cz we have a test at 2.30pm. Circumstances can be so unfair. She's going back to NZ on saturday. I might never get another chance to see her again  :'(

oh, I know ame's gonna kill me for writing this here, but he sent me a text last night. He said, syaf tolong! emergency! and I was like ha? kenapeee? then he said.. he doesn't know what to wear for tomorrow or  where to take her to... I nearly fell over my chair laughing! LOL! gawd they can be so cute sometimes.It made me think.. what if you had just one day in a year to see someone you loved or cared about. You'd want to look your very best wouldn't you. I told ame to put on his most handsome shirt. he told me that was at the dobi, so he'll have to put on his second most handsome shirt. I told him to comb his hair nicely. He told me his hair is always senget. But honestly, I don't think Bella would care if even his head was senget (though it would be awfully scary actually), I'm sure she'd love him just the same. And she'd be just as thrilled to see him as he is to see her. And that, in her eyes, he'd still be the most handsome lad in the whole wide world.

A love like that gives you hope sometimes.

It's those damned what if's that keep me up at night.