Sometimes you have to be your own hero.

Today was a pretty phucked up day. It started with a frustrating Aural-Oral class because for the whole 3 hours of class, only a few groups presented. It's not that I'm not thankful I didn't have to present today but really, more could have gotten done within the hours. Then, when we got back for lunch, I suppose I was to haste in packing that I forgot to pack the three most important stuff: toothbrush, earphones, and my anti-stress medication.

In the afternoon, we had another class which ended around 5.00pm. I just kept worrying about getting back.

When we got to Sg, Buloh, they announced on the speaker that the train to Seremban was delayed. But no, that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was what happened in the train that I got on at Bank Negara. I am in no mood whatsoever to elaborate much about what happened. But just know that it was almost as bad as having someone 'undress' you with his eyes. Probably just as bad. It was bad enough to make me feel repulsed, yes, and a whole lot terrified that I got off at the next stop without even thinking much. I got out at some lonely stop which I later discovered (by reading the sign of course) was Petaling Station, and waited patiently and eagerly for the next train which arrived around 10-15 minutes later. By that time, I had called my parent's (both mum and Abah) phone for what must be the eighteenth time but nobody picked up. I got super duper pissed, and scared. When the next train arrived, I got on, and at Batu Tiga, still no one answered. I waited a while in case someone decided to call back but nothing. I had been biting my lip holding back tears since I was at Petaling station that I figured I'd risk taking the cab at night. I had had it. I just wanted to get home.

When I got home, I was really really really tired. I went straight to nenek's room first to salam her and give her hugs and kisses. When she said "nenek rindu Ikah" I broke down to tears. You see, nenek has started forgetting things. I noticed this the last time I was back because I asked her if she had eaten and she told me bibik hasn't fed her all day. Now, I know my bibik is a nice person, and plus, I saw the plate of half eaten rice on the table at the foot of nenek's bed. It made me so sad… Mum had told me too that nenek's memory was deteriorating. So I wondered, how long till she forgets me? Will she forget me? When Syafiq told me about his grandma being sick the other day, It kinda affected me too somehow. It made me miss nenek even more. I hoped she hasn't forgotten me, so she could miss me too. She hasn't, and she does :)


I wiped my tears and dragged myself up the stairs. I turned the knob to bakis' room but it was locked to I thumped my fists and said "open!" She opened just a crack and said, "wait, you can't come in yet!" I was really tired and in no mood for whatever she was up to that I pushed the door open, said "just let me in", and shoved her aside. I guess she sensed my bad mood and got well outta the way. She was only cleaning her room. I locked the door, dived onto the bed, buried my head in a pillow and cried, again. Only harder this time. Well, it comes that time where your all alone and you just can’t hold back the tears, your heart is pounding, and your body is on the verge of shaking. It’s a terrible feeling. I dunno, maybe I was just super tired, frustrated maybe. But I was angry too... I was angry at the class for being too late, at the delay at the train station, at not having Yuva there to teman me all the way to Batu Tiga, at the pervert on the train, at Petaling Station for being eerily quiet, my parents for not answering the phone and my sister for not wanting to let me in earlier. I was even angry there wasn't anything to eat at home. I was angry at every situation possible but it was nobodies fault. Absolutely nobody. I was just an angry girl angry at circumstances, at random situations.

I'm okay though now. I was probably overwhelmed, that's why I got so emotional and stuff. Gawd me. The only thing I still felt bad about was for being mean to my sister. Have you ever felt that rush of emotion when you get in a big argument with someone you’re close with or love, and you’re so angered with pain because you didn’t really mean to be mean. You just had a bad day, or you needed to let off some steam. I felt even sorrier when I was watching TV just now, she handed me a phone chain and said, “Nah, I got this for your birthday.”

Yes guilt, please come swallow me whole now.



You could feel things or you could find a way to shut down. But once you were feeling things, you couldn’t decide exactly what to feel. That was the trouble with letting them in at all. They made such a mess of the place.